Friday, August 21, 2009

A Little Humor For The Weekend

I thought that it would be a good idea to lighten up for the weekend. Things are getting a bit over-intense and a nice diversion from the stuff that makes me angry, upset, and livid, would be exactly what I need to end the week and be able to start fresh here on the blog on Monday. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of this post as much as I do:

Three nurses died and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the first one, "What did you do on Earth that would deserve getting in here?
The first nurse replied, "I was an intensive care nurse and I saved hundreds of lives." "Welcome," said St. Peter, "come right in.
And what did you do?" he asked the second one.
The second nurse replied, "I was an emergency room nurse and I saved hundreds of lives." "Welcome," said St. Peter, "come right in.
And what did you do?" he asked the third one. The third nurse replied, "I was a managed care nurse and I saved the insurance companies hundreds of thousands of dollars."
"Welcome," said St. Peter, "come right in...but only for three days."

Interns think of God, residents pray to God,
doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear." The second nurse said, "I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees." The third nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer." The fourth nurse fainted.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side

A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home
were taking a lunch break in the break room.
In walks a lady dressed in silk scarfs and wearing large polished stoned jewlery. "I am 'Gina the Great'," stated the lady.
"I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt
that I will now grant
the next three wishes!"
With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke,
the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink,
proving that she did have the power to grant wishes
before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. "I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men
feeding me fruit and tending to my every need."
With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone. The floor nurse went next.
"I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort
with well groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts."
With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
"Now, what is the last wish?" asked the lady. The charge nurse said," I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break."

How do you save a doctor from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

You know you're a nurse if...

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.

You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.

Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.

Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.

When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your shoes.

Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.

You carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.

You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flash backs."

You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.

You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.

Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
You can intubate your friends at parties.

You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.

You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."
You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker
and to HOLLER if they need help.

Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.

When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.

You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break,
sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop
near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor.
"She does everything absolutely backwards.
"Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing." "Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
"How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this,
so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing?," he says,
"I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replied the nurse.
"Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet.
It works
wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses
because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out.
He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed ... "Not with a carnation!"

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Patient: "Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?" Doctor: "Yes, that is true." Patient: "And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?" Doctor: "Yes, that is also true." Patient: "So, in average, I live normally." Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

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